El Pres

El Pres fired off a post today launching a boiler room-esque tirade against a slew of unqualified applicants attempting to join the Barstool team. Well you can count me in that crowd if you count the offer of free blognoggery from the comfort of my cube as a job application.

Like yeah I'd love to blog my dick off 24/7 if I didn't have a fucking day job sucking the creativity and soul out of me week by week. So you want someone who is blogging 24/7 you're going to get an unmotivated or unemployed hack. You want the creativity and wisdom of donkeybets, lets start it part time. Lets build that rapport. Lets start it small. Lets start it making that cash. And maybe when I've paid for StooLala by building the stoolies bankroll, you can pay me a livable wage and relocation bonus.

Today's play, just a little 4-teamer on the ice tonight. The King's travel to Pitt having went under in 8 of there last 10 road games, and coming off of 4 days rest. Meanwhile the Pens are only missing 2 of the 5 best forwards in hockey, but boast stellar defense and strong goaltending. Look for the Pens to play in some tight checking low scoring affairs until they get boy wonder back. The Devils travel to Toronto winning 11 of their last 14 and while Toronto is a tough place to play it's never good when your best forward is Mr. Irrelevant in the all-star game draft and chirping your coach, I'll roll the dice with the Devils. Give me a goaltending duel in Florida and let's sprinkle the Flyers -200 to up the payout a bit. Time to pay for those flowers fellas.

Date	Ticket #	Title		Risk	To Win	Description	All:
02/10 03:54 PM	156157346- 1	4 team Parlay		$10.00	$99.67	Ice Hockey NHL - Los Angeles Kings @ Pittsburgh PenguinsTotal U 5 +110 for GameIce Hockey NHL - Philadelphia Flyers -200 for Game Ice Hockey NHL - New Jersey Devils Ev for Game Ice Hockey NHL - Buffalo Sabres @ Florida PanthersTotal U 5½ -135 for Game

Tease of the Week

Well folks it's time for the Kappa Kappa Gamma Tease - this time brought to you by hot chicks in football jerseys. As we've documented before, one of my favorite moves is to tease games eliminating the most common differentials of 3,4,6 and 7. I recently discovered this is called a Wong Teaser which makes me a complete donkey and also makes me like this move that much more. So props to Mr. Wong for that. Anyways, Mr. Wong must have a hardon right now for there are an array of options to hit this teaser today and I love most of them. I only played the first 3 of these, but if you're feeling a little frisky you can throw the Vikings at Home in there. In this case, I'm playing 3 heavy home favorites who dropped their first game.

--Cowboys -7.5 vs Chicago. Look for the Cowboys to bounce back at home and eliminate some of the penalties. While Peppers and Co should be able to get some pressure on Romo, Cutler won't be able to get away with the same mistakes against a good Dallas defense.

--Atlanta -7 vs Arizona. Atlanta took Pittsburgh to OT on the road and is Pitt is better in all facets of football than this Arizona team. This one shouldn't even be close.

--SD -7 vs Jacksonville. Jacksonville struggled at home against a weak Denver team, and while San Diego historically starts out slow I've got enough faith in them to finish the Jags off at home.

And if you're feeling frisky Minn -6.5 vs Miami.

-El Donk

Donks don't like Mondays

If there is any known given trait of donks, it is that they don't like Mondays. They don't like them at all. Luckily, the JETS-Ravens game is delayed by thunderstorms leaving me some time to fire of my prediction for the opening tilt. I loved Hard Knocks as much as every straight male this side of the Mississippi, but I don't love the Jets in their opener. Did you know that every Hard Knocks team has lost their season opener since the inaugural season in 2001 when the Ravens squeezed out a win? Probably not, you probably didn't even know that Hard Knocks was around in 2001. But that's what we bring you here at Donkey Bets. We just drop that knowledge on you. I'm not saying that Hard Knocks is as good as studying film, but it definitely provides some more insight into the Jets than your average team has going into Week 1, case and point, The Terminator.

I'm running out of time to fire this off so the cliffnotes is that I got the Ravens -130. And the line is shifting like whoa so I know the smart money is with me.

-Ravens have a well balanced attack

-Ray Rice will help beat the blitz.

-Ravens have a questionable secondary

-Mark Sanchez isn't good enough to exploit a questionable secondary

-Jets have a solid ground game, but that will play into the Ravens strengths

-Flacco > Sanchez

-Revis Island will not be operating at 100%

BREAKING NEWS. THIS JUST IN. 6 of 8 ESPN ANALYSTS ARE ON THE RAVENS. IM FUCKED.

Kappa Kappa Gamma Tease of the Week

Games I really like with the 6 point tease tomorrow:

Gtech -9.5 over Kansas. KU just lost to North Dakota State 6-3 last week. Josh Nesbitt is a (shhh) sleeper for the heisman, all depending on his performances against Miami and Vtech. The spread is 15.5 and I even feel comfortable with that. I say put the Yellow Jackets in every tease.

Hawaii +8.5 @ Army. I can understand if you're a 50 year old businessman and you get jet lag, but these are D1 athletes. I don't care that the Warriors are essentially playing 5AM, Army cannot be favored against a team with this many athletes. I say run with the 2.5 points as well.

Cal -4 at home against Colorado. CU is horrible. Just an atrocious team. Cal isn't great, but they're good enough to win by a touchdown at home against an inferior team.

Michigan heading down south to South Bend catching 9.5 against Notre Dame. Wolverines just have better athletes. I'm very scared that 68% of America is on Michigan, but who can blame them? Notre Dame goes 8-5 every year and loses to all the good teams they play. Michigan is ACTUALLY a good team.

Stanford -1 @ UCLA. I'm very high on Stanford this year. Sure, The White Hope left for the pros, but their whole line returned and I can even get 20 carries for 130 behind those guys. They're a great dark horse for the Rose Bowl this year, and you have to beat teams like UCLA on the road if you're going to have that title. Plus, I watched the UCLA-KSU game last week. Both of those teams looked awful, and UCLA lost by double digits.

OU to just win against FSU. This is my least confident pick, but I'm travelling up to Norman early tomorrow morning and I've been told that I don't want to be the guy pulling for Florida State in the final minutes. I can't tell you how excited I am to watch some big time college football. Casino Frank and I should have hit up the Riverwind Casino today, but I pussied out on him. Frank, I apologize. I'll be drinking heavily starting at 7am tomorrow. BOOMER SOONER!

- Captain Donk

Alibi at 6AM

If you have never been to New Orleans and you enjoy gambling, alcohol, strip clubs, day drinking, parties for no reason, and drunk women, you are missing out. I first visited NOLA the summer of '09 when I was helping Glasgo A.K.A. Hong Kong Donk, move from LA back to Vermont. A two night stay highlighted by Canada Mike coming within an inch of his life while partaking in NOLA's summer version of the "Running with the Bulls." Words can't explain it, this pretty much sums it up quickly though. Just imagine rolling into a bar at 6AM after a night of binging to find a bunch of guys all dressed in white pounding beers at the bar in those stupid outfits. Enough said.

The NFL is back! If you think the Vikings are a better team tomorrow then they were in the playoffs last year, then you need to pass the purple drank back to JaMarcus. Rice is out. Favre (I never liked him, but know I'm in the "HATE" club) is coming off ankle surgery at 40 years old. And nobody is talking about how much they are going to miss Chester Taylor as a third down back this year. I'm pulling for Toby Gerhardt to be the next great White Hope, but I don't want him picking up a blitz on 3rd and 12 when I have a 40 year old quarterback and Tavaris Jackson as my backup.

The Superbowl banner will be raised into the rafters. Their will be yet another parade before the game. Fans will be in playoff form with the noise levels. I can't see Minny strolling in there and ruining this night for the Saints, but they're not 6 points better than these guys. Throw in the fact that about 65% of America is riding the new "America's Team" and that will talk me off a home favorite every day of the week. DonkeyBets rules to always try and abide by: 1.) Bet against America and 2.) Take the points.

(For some gay reason I can't figure out with my computer illiteracy how to copy and paste my wager slip. I've been an honest man. Just trust me when I say I'm laying 80 units on Minny +5.5 to win 72.73 units)

And if you're in New Orleans, either this Thursday or another weekend, trust me when I tell you go to Alibi around 6AM. You're welcome.

- Captain Donk

Don't Call it a Comeback!

Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls, Donkeys and Donkettes alike, DonkeyBets has returned! A lot has happened since our last post all the way back in November. I, Captain Donk, have relocated my life and "career" to Dallas, Texas. It's wayyy too fucking hot down here, but damn do they love their football. If i took a 5 minute break from working the desk and headed over to the water cooler, even in May, there was talk of football. It has made this week so much sweeter. One of the better things about talking football at work, lots of people bet. You can count on me fading one of our secretaries all year long.

A couple of notable bets:

I had my best regular season playing the NFL and college football to date. Came out a little more than 1,700 units up. Add to it that I took 2nd in my big money fantasy league (1,300 units) and Bridesmaid in another (200 units), it was a damn good football season.

El Donk and I both had the Colts and the OVER in the Superbowl in a parlay. El Donk did have the Saints and the OVER printed on on his ticket in Vegas until he went back up and told the sportsbook guy that he misprinted his ticket. Nothing like getting a sign from above, and then giving back a piece of paper worth about 900 units.

I had 100 units on the USA-England game ending in a 1-1 tie. BOOM! Hit that at +320 units.
I had 100 units on the US, Ghana, and the Netherlands winning the World Cup. Let's call the WC a wash.

I'm crushing the Indian Reservations in Oklahoma and am up roughly 2,400 units at the 2-5 No-Limit table. That should cover some cheap rent down here in Texas.


Week 1 of the college season is in the books and I can honestly say I went an impressive 3-1 taking Oklahoma State at -19 over Wash State, Oregon State catching +13 against TCU and loading up on Boise Monday night against Vtech. I lost with LSU not covering against a delinquent UNC squad. DonkeyBet of the week was taking Angola at +35 over the USA in the FIBA World Championships and having them lose by 71, or something like that. BUT, starting the year off in the black and running hot all year. 4 fantasy pools, a couple futures bets (Steelers will not make the playoffs: -110 for 110 units), two suicide pools, and of course, weekly debauchery playing games that you didn't even know were happening.

El Donk and I got the itch. We had to strike this bad boy back up. Come along for the ride.

- Captain Donk

Rangers Moneyline - Lock it up!

Just talked to an inside source, who will remain nameless, and was out boozing with "I don't know? #6 and #16" of the Atlanta Thrashers last night until 6am. She swears nothing happened after 6am, but the only woman I trust is my mama. 2 of the top 6 defenseman? Out until 6am? I'll take the better team at home -- lock it up. Oh and maybe take the moneyline while you're at it.

I know what you're gonna say, David Wells through a perfect game while hungover... well hockey isn't baseball, and 6am in NYC is a lot different than 2am in Florida. And knowing this girl and her friends, well I'm sure these gentlemen were getting after it pretty hard trying to impress.

Guess I can't say girls are only good for one thing after all....